Often the answer to our discomfort is to change our circumstances or get out of the situation, such as a job or relationship. When you feel too stuck to make this kind of change, then what?

I don’t mean to say there are not very real circumstances in which this is the wisest choice, but l believe it is NEVER as simple as that.  The deepest and most profound change in our lives we can make is changing ourselves.

Not a simple task and frustrating in the amount of perseverance required. This is because tons of repetition is usually required for us to figure out the steps to a new dance. We are also super wed to our ideas of what is right and wrong and we will often defend outdated and ineffectual modes of operating because our identities are hinged on them.

An excellent question to ask yourself that promotes change is: “would you rather be right or happy?”  This reframing can allow you to feel proud of yourself for your decision to relinquish an old way of being rather than feeling defeated.

The end goal of all obstacles is to become more of the person you want to be, the type of person you admire. So, changing your circumstances can be important, but without internal change you will find yourself reliving the same old uncomfortable dynamics again with new faces cast in the same roles.

How does this highest order of change happen? Often first by not getting out of something as soon as you want to. This is of course an awful feeling. One of the all time worst feelings. Feeling trapped is no fun at all.  As the feeling of being trapped settles in, try to allow yourself to slow down and stop struggling. Things are not going to get worse if you stop fighting.  Let yourself become quiet inside.

Once you find the quiet inside of you, you can observe that the terror and panic you were anticipating is not actually there, it’s just quiet. Hopefully at this point the urgency you were feeling to escape your situation is dissipating. 

So you realize that for now at least, you can not change what you so desperately want to, you realize that your only shot at happiness is to stopping judging and struggling against your circumstances. Enjoy the view that your suffering does not have to be endless and that you may began to change.

Now that you have stopped struggling you can ask yourself: How do l best find happiness in my situation?  How do l live with acceptance rather than struggle? This usually takes a reinvestment in what is. Rather than discarding your relationship, job or whatever else you find unacceptable, you double down. However, you are not double downing to force change. You are accepting what really is and dealing with it with authenticity and care. You stand up straight and understand that life knows better than you and you will change to love who you are in it. You come to know that you are not disposable, that life is turning you into someone you have come to love and that living is pretty great when stop trying to change it into what you think it should be.

Sex just seems like one of those topics that is ripe to be exploited or handled in a superficial way. It feeds on people’s insecurities and how they fear they don’t measure up. What if there was a way to handle it deeply. Like, you can use your sex life to grow up.

I believe that most areas of life where there seems to be an obstacle or dissatisfaction there is an opportunity to grow up. There are a gazillion books written on how to have the sex you want. They are full of superficial techniques or weird quick fixes. What if the sex you were having was a way to grow yourself up?

Sex is a weird thing. You can go through periods of your life or have experiences with particular people that it is effortless with. This can falsely lead you to blame things on your partners when it is not meeting your ideals.

Sex is an wonderful way to grow yourself up because it calls upon parts of yourself that need to show up and be responsible.  It’s a powerful way of communicating how you feel about yourself. Its a place to stop being a spectator in your life and become a true participant, with yourself as the subject rather than the object. Strangely, it is also a wonderful way to realize that being “selfish” is actually generous. That experiencing yourself in the in the presence of another person is the true meaning of intimacy. This is metaphoric for all levels of relationships, not just sex.

Unless you are lucky enough to have everything fall into place sexually all the time with everyone, then there will definitely be areas to work on that will also be about growing up.  These three areas are super powerful and extend into adulthood into every aspect of your life. 

The first area to focus on is self knowledge.  What do you like? What dynamic with your partner really turns you on? Let yourself go, there is nothing to be ashamed about. What gets us turned on is complicated and if you dig deep enough there is always a reason why. This is amazing knowledge because sex is best with someone who is very turned on. We affect each other during sex and can help pull each into different sensory places. Self knowledge never ends. It is a work is progress as are the other two areas of focus l will suggest, so go very easy and be patient with yourself.  

The second area of focus is self acceptance. This piggy backs on my first suggestion. This is part of building an intimate relationship with yourself, a necessary component if you want to have it with someone else.  Self acceptance is how you get your feet on the ground and own parts of yourself that will be powerful tools to use at your disposal. It’s the essential second step after self knowledge.  

Lastly, is communication. As much as we would like it to be so, no one is a mind reader.  You don’t need to let your partner know they entire contents of your mind, but you do need to tell your partner what you want. This is a really tough one for a lot of people and l get it. This a big chunk of the growing up part. Giving up the fantasy of having your mind read is taking responsibility for yourself and not putting it on your partner.  It also can feel like a risk to expose yourself, that’s way step two cannot be skipped over, you need to be ok with yourself (as much as you can muster.) Exposing or rather revealing yourself is part of intimacy and your greatest chance of getting what you want. 

These suggestions are simple but not easy. You may find yourself experiencing resistance, that’s ok, keep working at it and you will get there. Great sex is not the only reward, it’s how you feel about yourself and how these principles can transform your every area of your life. Every time you feel you are at an impasse, you can apply these steps.

The process of growing up means owning yourself in the face of fear and trepidation.  Realizing that the respect you have for yourself is truly has the greatest impact on your experience of living. Sexy is really letting yourself sink into your feelings and not pushing them away. There is nothing sexier than self respect.