Often the answer to our discomfort is to change our circumstances or get out of the situation, such as a job or relationship. When you feel too stuck to make this kind of change, then what?

I don’t mean to say there are not very real circumstances in which this is the wisest choice, but l believe it is NEVER as simple as that.  The deepest and most profound change in our lives we can make is changing ourselves.

Not a simple task and frustrating in the amount of perseverance required. This is because tons of repetition is usually required for us to figure out the steps to a new dance. We are also super wed to our ideas of what is right and wrong and we will often defend outdated and ineffectual modes of operating because our identities are hinged on them.

An excellent question to ask yourself that promotes change is: “would you rather be right or happy?”  This reframing can allow you to feel proud of yourself for your decision to relinquish an old way of being rather than feeling defeated.

The end goal of all obstacles is to become more of the person you want to be, the type of person you admire. So, changing your circumstances can be important, but without internal change you will find yourself reliving the same old uncomfortable dynamics again with new faces cast in the same roles.

How does this highest order of change happen? Often first by not getting out of something as soon as you want to. This is of course an awful feeling. One of the all time worst feelings. Feeling trapped is no fun at all.  As the feeling of being trapped settles in, try to allow yourself to slow down and stop struggling. Things are not going to get worse if you stop fighting.  Let yourself become quiet inside.

Once you find the quiet inside of you, you can observe that the terror and panic you were anticipating is not actually there, it’s just quiet. Hopefully at this point the urgency you were feeling to escape your situation is dissipating. 

So you realize that for now at least, you can not change what you so desperately want to, you realize that your only shot at happiness is to stopping judging and struggling against your circumstances. Enjoy the view that your suffering does not have to be endless and that you may began to change.

Now that you have stopped struggling you can ask yourself: How do l best find happiness in my situation?  How do l live with acceptance rather than struggle? This usually takes a reinvestment in what is. Rather than discarding your relationship, job or whatever else you find unacceptable, you double down. However, you are not double downing to force change. You are accepting what really is and dealing with it with authenticity and care. You stand up straight and understand that life knows better than you and you will change to love who you are in it. You come to know that you are not disposable, that life is turning you into someone you have come to love and that living is pretty great when stop trying to change it into what you think it should be.