Why can’t life just work out the way it’s “supposed to”? Why no matter how hard I try, why can’t I make __(fill in the blank) work? It is so easy for other people, why does it have to be so hard for me? It is not supposed to be this difficult.

Life is not bending to your will because what you think you want, is not what you actually want. Life has all the time in the world to let you bang your head against a wall until you start to question, “Is this going to lead to happiness, because it certainly feels unbearable right now.”

What we want deep down more than having control over our environment, other people, or our bodies, is having mastery over ourselves. The mastery we crave is how we FEEL about our lives. Everything we do is driven by a desire to experience certain feelings. 

We get hung up on needing our lives to be a certain way in order to experience the feelings we want. For instance, getting someone we love to love us back.  Most of us at times get caught up in thinking we need our life to be a particular way in order to experience happiness. This can be a very confusing pursuit because we live in a culture that constantly bombards us with ideas that we can only feel good about ourselves if our life looks a certain way, or if we achieve what we want we can finally be happy. This is a lie. 

Life is actually working with you when you are not able to force it to your will, because there is a deeper, richer, and more infinitly satisfying way to be. Let your circumstances change you into the person you truly desire to become.Not someone who is trying to get the approval of another, in order to feel ok.  You may think you need to be thin or get that unrequited love returned to you.  Instead of using up your energy trying to get life to look the way you want it, quiet yourself down and ask yourself, “who is life asking me to be?” Is there some kind of plan at work that is leading me toward growth and change I could not have imagined was possible for myself? Could l actually dare to accept myself just the way l am? What a fierce act of rebellion that is! That makes you a true bad ass! That is the ultimate triumph because no one can ever give that to you or take it from you. You no longer need to be at the mercy of another person, they cannot give you what you have already taken for yourself, self acceptance and peace with yourself.

No matter how excellent the parenting was you received, we all have a certain amount of arrested development. These places of arrest show up where we feel most stuck in our lives. This is the signal, so listen closely. It’s not life that needs to change, the change needs to happen inside of you.  Most pointedly, the change needs to be in your perspective. You will never achieve happiness by forcing life into what you want because what you actually want most is a reconciliation with yourself. Hate your body? Question why, go really broad,  question if this culture’s messages about how you should look can be trusted or if they are bullshit and arbitrary.  Choose to stop turning against yourself, question everything you have learned if it is leading to unhappiness. A big clue on areas most in need of questioning are any areas of obsession. That is a big signpost that your wheel spinning is in need of a paradigm shift. Move the frame you are looking through and you will see a different picture.  There is something inside of ourselves that is driven to reconcile with ourselves. Don’t worry you can’t miss it, because life will make sure you become increasingly uncomfortable until you pay attention.

Thankfully when life is not “working out” it is because you are putting your energy in the wrong direction and investing against yourself.  Our unconscious desire for self reconciliation will not accept any substitute.  Even when you “get what you want” it will gnaw at you until you listen to it. It wants self-acceptance above all else. It wants a feeling of integrity (or “inner gritty” as my spell check just said). It wants you to own your life, not live someone else’s or the culture’s “ideal” version of it. It wants you to be your own hero and to rescue yourself from your old outdated, fucked up ideas. Live your life as a person you can admire, someone who allows life to change them into who they didn’t realize they actually wanted to be and self acceptance is the key.